These words have left my mouth numerous times. Many times I wanted to forfeit my salvation. “God, I’m not HAPPY do you understand that?! I don’t wanna be where I am, why won’t you let me do what I want? I only live once, just let me do it, it’s not a big deal.”
And when I saw I couldn’t beg my way out of it, I would play nice, go to church and write letters to God, thanking Him and being sweet. Much like a child! How silly.
My heart was HARDENED. I wanted what the flesh wanted, I wanted pleasure, joy and fun. I was sick of leading a boring life full of problems.
Honestly, after a while, you get tired of going back and forth with God and constantly losing. Why was I losing? Because I had given my life to Jesus. (I got baptized in 2009) He knew if I kept going down that road, I would lose my life. I couldn’t see that far ahead, who can? He forgives us of our sins when we ask and truly repent, but the consequences can’t always be taken away. They also keep us in line. If I knew I was gonna die, would I have kept giving into my flesh? Was the adrenaline worth my life? It wasn’t.
“I have cried many tears for you Isabella. When I look down at your life, I can’t see you. You’re surrounded by darkness (God is light) and I can’t see the letters you’ve written to me because they were written with evil intentions.”
Those words weren’t enough. I still stumbled many times. But being where I am today, I can tell point to you the ONE thing that has kept me sane. The one thing that has brought me joy and peace, all at once. And that is the BIBLE and the Holy Spirit. The word is the truth. It is alive, it is relevant, it’s up to date and it’s convicting.
Without the HS, this lifestyle feels like a chore. Like these are stupid rules and that God wants to control us all. I gave all of it up! I don’t desire anything of the world, actually I am disgusted by it.(Complete 180!) You start craving the word, worship music, correction, connection. It’s SO natural.
This sense of security is everything. God is my Father and I will not let sin surround me. I need to hear my Father and know that He can see me.
(No bible verses cited because I had to type this as it came, didn’t have time to stop.)